The Return of Capt. Ironpants
by ClariceLecter
Summary: A Gomer Pyle "losing his virginity" fic that borrows trace elements of THE GRADUATE, and brings back the infamous Capt. April Martin...
1. Default Chapter Title

THE RETURN OF CAPT. IRONPANTS  
by Clarice_Lecter  
  
PREMISE: Five years after the hat-tipping incident, and one year after Lou Ann Poovie leaves Gomer Pyle at the altar, April Martin, formerly "Capt. Ironpants," returns to Camp Henderson to act on the romantic infatuation that caused her to leave the Corps.  
  
CAST  
  
PFC Gomer Pyle  
Sgt. Vince Carter  
Sgt. Chuck Boyle  
Sgt. Charles Earl Hacker  
Col. Edward Andrew Gray  
Cpl. Duke Slater  
Pvt. Frankie Lombardi  
Dr. Charles Yellowbear  
Bunny Olsen  
Hannah Troi, aka "The Dragon Lady"  
April Martin  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
DISCLAIMER: The characters depicted herein are the exclusive property of Andy Griffith Productions. No infringement of any kind is intended.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Fall IN!!!" Sgt. Vince Carter barked as the soldiers in his platoon rushed outside to receive their orders for the day. "Since today is Sunday, you can all consider this a day off! After lunch, any man who wishes to go to town this evening can stop by the duty hut to pick up his pass! For those of you who do not wish to go to town today, the PX and the base library are at your disposal! Is that clear?!?"  
"YES SIR!!!!!!" the troops responded.  
"I can't HEAR YOU!!!!!!" Vince shouted.  
"YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"All right, then, DISMISSED!!!!!"  
With those words, all the soldiers scrambled to get ready for their day trip. All of them, that is, except for Private First Class Gomer Pyle.  
After Vince had dismissed them, Gomer returned to his bunk, picked up his new copy of CAR & DRIVER Magazine, and resumed reading. He'd done a lot of that these days.  
He was no longer the happy-go-lucky, pie-eyed innocent he once was. There was still an innocence about him, but the events of the past year had hardened him in a way his Marine Corps training never had.  
What had helped him wise up was the way Lou Ann Poovie had betrayed him on their wedding day.  
  
Midway through the vows, Lou Ann had seen her hometown sweetheart, Monroe Eford, in the back pew. She looked at Monroe, then at Gomer, then back at Monroe.   
"Ah cayun't do it," she'd said. "Ah cayun't marreh you, Gomuh...ah ain't been honest with yuh..."  
"Whut?" Gomer had asked, completely confused.  
"Ah stiyull love Monroe...ah've been seein' him behahnd youuh back, an' ah stiyull love him..."  
With those words, Lou Ann turned and walked away, leaving with Monroe...leaving Gomer with a broken heart.   
  
"Damn her, damn her t'HELL!!!"  
Gomer rose from his bunk and began tearing the barracks apart, ripping away blankets and sheets, overturning tables and throwing down lockers, even throwing chairs and throwing the mattresses on the floor, screaming and crying out his rage as he did.  
Vince and Cpl. Duke Slater heard the commotion and came running, and the sight of Gomer tearing the place to pieces shocked them. "Oh, my God, PYLE!!!!!" Vince piped up, running in to try and calm him down.   
Gomer was so blinded with rage that he did not stop himself, could not stop his fist from colliding with Vince's face. When Duke tried to calm him down, Gomer knocked him on his ass, as well.  
Finally, it took the entire unit to get Gomer back under control. When the MPs came to see what was happening, Vince refused to have him put in the stockade. "Take him to the infirmary," he ordered.  
"Sgt. Carter, he struck you---!" the first MP said.  
"Take him to the GODDAMN INFIRMARY!!!! Pyle's suffered a nervous breakdown!" Vince snapped. "I'm not gonna charge him with a damn thing!"  
The MPs shrugged, then helped the weeping Gomer to his feet and out of the barracks. "My God, Sarge, what brought that on?" Pvt. Frankie Lombardi now asked.  
"Yeah, he really hit you," Duke chimed in, "AND me." Duke's shoulder felt very sore from where he'd landed, after Gomer had picked him up and thrown him into the wall.  
"I've seen it coming since last year," Vince now confessed, his voice ringing with sadness. Then, changing the subject, he said, "I'm afraid we'll be a few hours late for liberty, guys...let's straighten out this mess, okay?"  
The rest of the guys knew exactly what he was talking about.  
  
In the base infirmary, Gomer was given a sedative and put to bed, where he soon cried himself to sleep. An hour later, Col. Edward Andrew Gray came in to see about him.  
"What's the matter with Pvt. Pyle?" he asked.  
"What's not been wrong with him for the past year?" the base doctor replied. "You know how he's been since Lou Ann dumped him at the altar, sir...today he finally snapped."  
"Oh, God," Col. Gray groaned. "What happened?"  
"According to the MPs, Sgt. Carter and Cpl. Slater found him in the B Company barracks, tearing the place apart. They tried to calm him down, and Cpl. Slater got thrown into the wall and Sgt. Carter got a shiner the size of Oklahoma."  
The colonel winced. This was definitely not like Gomer.  
"Will Sgt. Carter bring charges against him?" he now asked.  
"No, sir," the doctor replied.  
"Good. I'm not, either...I want Pyle kept here as long as it takes, until he gets better. I'm going to also place him under the care of the new base psychiatrist, Dr. Charles Yellowbear...he's known Gomer for a long time, and I think he's the only one who can get through to him..."  
  
"Jesus Christ, Vince, what happened to you?" Sgt. Chuck Boyle, who was once Vince's second in command, exclaimed when Vince and Duke finally joined him and Sgt. Charles Earl Hacker at Hannah's Bar and Grill for drinks.  
"Our abandoned bridegroom finally went apeshit," Vince replied, still favoring his black eye.   
Charles examined the shiner. "I'll say he did!" he piped up. "Goddamn, Vince, that's a hell of a shiner..."  
"No worse than the ones Bunny's given me, lemme tell ya," Vince joked. "I don't know who hits harder, Bunny or Gomer..."  
The talk became even more serious. "Will Gomer finally be getting help?" Chuck now asked.  
"He's been put in the infirmary indefinitely," Duke said. "According the the base doctor, Gomer's suffered the worst emotional breakdown he's ever seen. They'll be starting him on antidepressants tomorrow..."  
"Pray that they don't give him Prozac," Charles replied. "If they do, they're defeating the purpose---he'll be even crazier than ever!"  
"He can't take Prozac anyway, he's allergic to it," Vince now said. "They'll probably put him on Zoloft for awhile..."  
"Thank God he doesn't drink," replied Hannah Troi, the club's "Dragon Lady" owner and the woman who had given Gomer his first kiss, long before he met Lou Ann. She had overheard their conversation without meaning to. "My sister took Zoloft and chased it with wine for three years...it ended up killing her..."  
"Oh, Hannah, I'm sorry," Duke replied.  
"Don't be...she's in a better place. I just wish there was some way I could help him..."  
  
In her home in Portland, Oregon, April Martin let her mind wander.  
She had been writing to Gomer since leaving the Marines two years ago, playing catch-up, but keeping a respectful distance. Even after Gomer's split with Lou Ann, she continued to show him the respect he had always shown her.  
When they had met, five years ago, she had been a Marine captain. She had hoped to make the Marines her career, had hoped to live out her days at Camp Henderson before retiring. But the very presence of Gomer Pyle had changed her plans.  
They had been brought together as a way of teaching him how to better respect his commanding officers. He had committed a purely innocent faux pas...instead of saluting her, he had tipped his hat.  
Because of her reputation for being a hard-ass, she had been christened "Capt. Ironpants" by the soldiers, even by her fellow officers. Duke, then a private, had warned Gomer, "She'll tear you to shreds!"  
She had anticipated that challenge, to break him like she'd broken everyone else in her path. But instead, Gomer had reached past her hard veneer, reaching out to the caring, loving lady inside. "You wuz a lady b'fore you wuz a Marine, an' a mighty fine lady, too," he had said.  
Even now, the words still rang in her ears...the memory of the vase he'd made from an empty milk bottle wrapped in aluminum foil, to house a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers he'd picked for her...his stories of gas-watching on moonlit nights...his offer to buy her some nailpolish, his holding her chair for her, the tender respect he had shown her from the very beginning.  
  
Five years...  
  
And then there were the dreams...the disturbing, beautiful fantasies that had dominated her very existence from that day on. She had tried to blot them out, to get them out of her mind, but she had not been able to.  
That was why she left the Marine Corps, that was why she had returned to civilian life. That was why she had left California and returned to her Oregon hometown.   
She had only recently decided to come to terms with her decisions, with her feelings. Since returning to Portland, she had become a quality control supervisor for an aeronautics firm, the first female supervisor in her company. She had bought a house and everything...still, she could not control her longings, her infatuation.  
She thought back to the dream she'd had two nights ago, the dream that had once and for all awakened all of her senses.   
She remembered the candlelit motel bedroom, the silken sheets...she remembered the heady, aphrodisiac tastes and smells...she remembered every sensation, every kiss...  
In her private, sacred dreamscape, Gomer Pyle was making love to her.  
  
They had never kissed, had barely even touched that first week, but April could feel every blissful ache, every delicious pleasure from her dreams.   
The feel of Gomer's taut, wiry body, the caress of his hands, the taste of his lips was something she had yearned for from the beginning. "Oh, what it must feel like to be kissed by him," she thought to herself, feeling herself tingling with renewed passion.   
Normally, she dreamed of scenarios straight from THE GRADUATE, where she was seducing him. After all, he was a virgin...wasn't he?  
Two nights ago, however, he had been the seducer. He had taken the initiative, and tenderly so, using his fingertips and his lips to drive her out of her mind with desire...awakening her as no one else ever had. He had known his way around her body and then some, touching her in her most vulnerable areas...kissing her in her tenderest places...  
Then he had entered her, taking her mind, body and soul, consuming her and pouring gasoline on the already raging fires of her sexuality. The feel of him inside her, the caress of their bodies gelling into one, was more than she could stand...  
It felt so real, like she could actually feel him inside her, thrusting again and again...she could feel his feverishly hot skin on hers, could feel his lips grazing her face and neck, could feel him cradling her in his arms. Already she was sobbing, already she was overcome by the strongest orgasm she had ever felt in her life...she remembered how her orgasm had transcended her dream, causing her to awaken in the throes of ecstasy without so much as touching herself...  
  
Three days later, Frankie was gathering up some of Gomer's books to take to him in the infirmary when he dropped one of them. It was a notebook he'd never noticed before.  
When he went to pick it up, several letters dropped out. As well as a picture that immediately piqued his interest.  
He carefully picked it up...  
It was a picture of a woman. But not just any woman.  
"Holy shit," he whispered, "Capt. Ironpants..."  
Just then Vince entered the barracks. "Lombardi, this ain't no time to go snoopin'!" he snapped. "Do YOU want Pyle punchin' you out, too?"  
Vince's black eye was healing up, but it did not stave off his concern. "Gosh, Sgt. Carter, I didn't mean to," Frankie admitted. "The book fell out of my hands, and all these letters fell out...so did this picture..."  
Vince relented. "Here, lemme see that," he now said. Frankie obeyed, giving Vince the picture of April Martin.   
Now Vince was in shock. "Holy crap, that's Capt Martin!" he exclaimed. "Where'd Pyle get this picture of Capt. Martin?"  
"She sent it to him," Frankie now said. "They've been writing to each other since she left the Marines...I didn't read the letters, Sarge, honest!"  
Vince's face softened. "That's all right, Lombardi, I believe you. Better gather 'em all up before we go to the infirmary." He gave the picture back.  
Frankie took the picture and the letters, put them back in Gomer's notebook, and gathered it and the magazines to take to him.  
  
When they got to the infirmary, Duke shushed them as soon as they arrived. "Gomer's asleep," he said, "so keep your voices down."  
They went to his bed in the infirmary, placing his magazines and notebook on the desk. "He's not tried to hurt himself, but they've put him under a suicide watch," Duke added.  
"Suicide watch? What the Hell for?" Vince asked. "They should put him under a homicide watch!"  
"Sergeant, keep it down!" a voice scolded behind them. Vince turned around...there was Dr. Charles Yellowbear, the father of PFC Charlie Yellowbear, one of Gomer's best friends.  
Charlie had left Camp Henderson to go to college, just before his father became the base psychiatrist.  
"Sarge, this is Dr. Yellowbear, Charlie's dad," Duke said by way of introduction. "Dr. Yellowbear, this is Sgt. Vince Carter, our platoon leader."  
"Pleased to meet you," Vince now said, extending his hand. "I'm sorry I snapped at everybody, I'm just worried about Pyle..."  
"I know, Sergeant," Dr. Yellowbear replied, shaking his hand. "And I'm sorry I've had to keep him under sedation. It's the only way he'll sleep without tearing the place apart..."  
"He's ripped the infirmary a new asshole, too?"  
"In so many words...he is opening up, though. The last day or two, he's spent hours at a time venting and raging about his ex-girlfriend Ms. Poovie..."  
"Yeah," Duke now said. "He's still in love with her, I think..."  
"Don't be so sure," Dr. Yellowbear now said. "He is angry because Ms. Poovie deceived him, but most of his frustration has nothing to do with her."  
The others were at a loss. "What the fuck are you talkin' about?" Vince asked, suspecting already.  
"Sgt. Carter, I'll level with you," Dr. Yellowbear continued, "Gomer Pyle is 32 years old. He's also a virgin..."  
"That he is, Doc..."  
"And that's the root of his frustration. He did love Ms. Poovie, but he wasn't really in love with her. He's in love with someone else, and has been all along. He's desired her in every way...spiritually, emotionally, sexually...but he's repressed himself. He's kept it buried so deeply within him that it festered like a cancer..."  
"...and it caused him to blow up," Frankie finished.  
"Exactly. The problem is, he won't tell me who it is. It's like he wants to keep her guarded, keep anyone else from knowing who she is..."  
Suddenly, Vince remembered what he and Frankie had found. "Doctor, I think Pvt. Lombardi and I can help you with that," he now said. "Lombardi, get Pyle's notebook."  
"But Sarge, that's his letters---!"  
"Get the fuckin' notebook, Lombardi! Now!"  
"Yes, sir."  
Lombardi went to Gomer's bedside table and retrieved the notebook. "The answers are in there."  
Dr. Yellowbear took the notebook, and saw the letters from April Martin. He also saw her picture. "Charlie told me about her," he said, "'Capt. Ironpants,' you all called her..."  
Duke was stunned. "Let me see that!" he demanded. Duke then looked at the notebook, seeing the letters April had written him. There was nothing overt, but it was obvious that there was a flirtation there.  
He also saw her picture. She was no longer the starchy, stiff lady Marine they'd all known, but a beautiful, relaxed woman, comfortable in her own skin. "Sweet Mother of Christ, that IS Capt. Martin!" he exclaimed. "But she left the Corps two years ago to work at an aeronautics company in Oregon..."  
"That's how long they've been writing each other," Frankie said. "They started right after she left, while he was still seeing 'Whore-Ann'..."  
Just then Vince remembered a phone call Gomer had made, just before he'd been left at the altar. "I seem to remember him callin' a girl named April a month before the wedding," he admitted. "He said she was an old friend..."  
Now Duke remembered. "Hey, I remember that, too! I also overheard part of it...he'd told her that he was having second thoughts about marrying Lou Ann, that he thought she maybe cheating on him..."  
"Holy crap," Vince winced, "so her leavin' him at the altar wasn't a total surprise..."  
Dr. Yellowbear shook his head. "No, it wasn't. It was just something he fixated on so he wouldn't have to face his feelings for Capt. Martin," he said, "and it finally wore thin..."  
Vince looked at the sleeping Marine. "Sexual frustration, huh?"   
  
"I still can't believe it about Gomer and Capt. Ironpants," Duke admitted as they returned to the barracks.   
"We'd better believe it, Slater," Vince now said. "And don't forget, she's an ex-Captain now. That means there's no rule against her and Pyle havin' a relationship...but I still don't see the Goddamn attraction."  
"Kinda reminds me of THE GRADUATE, in a way," Frankie replied. "Older woman making eyes at a younger man..."  
"Only in this case, there's two years' difference between Gomer Pyle and April Martin," Vince added. "Mrs. Robinson was old enough to be Dustin Hoffman's MOTHER, fer Chrissake!"  
As they walked, Duke remembered the verses to Simon and Garfunkel's theme from THE GRADUATE, "Mrs. Robinson"...  
  
"Find yourself a hiding place where no one ever goes..."  
  
Now Vince started to sing...  
"Put it in the pantry with your cupcakes..."  
  
Then Frankie, with a slight modification...  
"It's a little secret, Pvt. Gomer Pyle's affair..."  
  
Duke once more...  
"What's bad for him, he tried to hide it from the Sarge..."  
  
Then all three...  
  
"Koo-koo-ka-choo, Capt. Ironpants!  
Jesus loves you more than you will know...  
Whoa whoa whoa...  
God bless you please, Capt. Ironpants,  
Heaven holds a place for those who pray...  
Hey hey hey...  
Hey hey hey..."  
  
Three days later, when Gomer was settled, he was confronted with the letters from April Martin. "Where th' Hell didja get those?" he demanded.  
"Pvt. Lombardi and Sgt. Carter brought the notebook containing the letters," Dr. Yellowbear replied. "I assure you, none of us have read the letters..."  
"It wuz nobody's damn business t'go snoopin' inta mah thangs! They had no right!" Gomer scolded, his anger rising once again.  
"Why don't'cha let me be the judge of that, Gomer?" a voice sounded behind him.  
The angry Marine turned in his chair...  
Sgt. Carter.  
"Yuh sorry sumbitch," Gomer hissed, lightning flashing in his eyes once again, "y'done read mah letters---!"  
Gomer was out of his chair before anyone could stop him, charging at Vince like a bull running loose in Pamplona. This time, Vince was prepared.  
Before Gomer had a chance to attack him again, Vince stopped him with a single slap to the face. He didn't want to strike him, given Gomer's already fragile emotional state, but he felt he had no choice.  
The palm print flashed pink on Gomer's cheek, causing the lightning in his eyes to become shock...then a return to his senses. He saw the regret in Vince's face, the caring, and it caused Gomer to sink to the floor, crying like a baby.  
Vince joined him, reaching for him like a father to his child, and held him as he wept. "How's that for a breakthrough, Doc?" Vince admitted. "Can I talk to him?"  
"Sgt. Carter, are you sure?"  
"I've never been more sure of anything...if he starts in again, I'll call for help."  
Dr. Yellowbear shrugged. "Okay, Sergeant," he said just before he left, "but if he gets violent again, it's your ass."  
  
When Dr. Yellowbear left, Vince helped Gomer back to his chair. Then he took the chair Dr. Yellowbear had been sitting in. "Gomer, it's all right," he now said, giving him a glass of water.   
Gomer took a couple of bitter sips. "Ah guess y'paid me back fer hittin' ya," he admitted. "Ah'm awful sorry ah did that..."  
"I know, Pyle...and I'm sorry I slapped you. I shouldn't have done that."  
A long pause. "Gomer, talk to me," Vince said softly, "how long have you and Capt. Martin been writing each other? I know you struck a chord with her when you worked in her office that week..."  
"She an' I would tawk t'each other ever' so often after that," Gomer admitted, "even when ah wuz datin' Lou Ann Poovie. I'd tawk t'her when ah'd have problems with Lou Ann, but when DIDN'T ah have problems with Lou Ann? That wuz th' most jealous damn woman ah'd ever met..."  
"Last time I remembered, the one who should have been jealous was you."  
"Damn straight, Sergeant. Ah mean, she wuz gettin' mad at me fer sayin' 'hi' an' 'bye-bye' t'other girls, when all the time she wuz suckin' Monroe's dick behahnd mah back. An' what's worse, she wouldn't even let me play tonsil hockey with her---'savin' up fer marriage,' mah ass!"  
Hearing Gomer cuss a blue streak was refreshing, and made Vince laugh. "Yeah...I remember when was gonna dump you for me, just because I tried to get the tone-deaf bitch a record deal because she had the look to be a singing star..."  
Now Gomer laughed. "She sure as shit didn't have th' talent, did she?"  
  
In a matter of days, Gomer bared his soul about his feelings for April. "Ah thawght ah wuz in love with Lou Ann, but ah wuzn't," he finally acknowledged. "Ah hoped she'd change, ah really did, but it didn't take long fer me to realize she wuz a whowuhre. Ah dunno, Sgt. Carter...ennythang ah couldn't tawk t'Lou Ann about, ah wuz able t'tawk t'April. Ah still can..."  
"You can tell April your deepest feelings, can't you?" Vince asked.  
"Yeah, ah guess so...ah've jus' been afraid t'admit that ah love her, that's all. That ah wawnt her, in ever' way..."  
"Now we're getting somewhere," Vince thought to himself. By now Dr. Yellowbear and Duke were sitting in on the therapy sessions, and since Gomer wasn't going to be courtmartialed for the incident in the barracks, the therapy sessions would take care of all that.  
Gomer was taking Zoloft once a day, at breakfast, to control his panic attacks. An examination by Dr. Yellowbear and the base doctor diagnosed him with manic depression and panic anxiety disorder, and for the time being he would be allowed to perform some of his daytime duties. But in the evening, he had to return to the infirmary, separate from the rest of the guys, for his own protection.  
They were afraid he would blow up again, and that he would be even more violent than the last time.  
Now Dr. Yellowbear entered the conversation. "Gomer, do you remember when you had your first panic attack?" he asked.  
"Yes, sir, ah do," Gomer acknowledged. "Th' very first time Lou Ann tried t'pick a fight with me. She'd flown mad b'cause I'd say 'hey' to a girl in a nightclub, an' she accused me of cheatin' awn her..."  
The more Gomer talked about Lou Ann, the angrier he got. That was when Dr. Yellowbear realized that Gomer's relationship with Lou Ann had been emotionally abusive---and that it was Lou Ann who had heaped the abuse.  
"How do you feel about Lou Ann now, Gomer?" he asked.  
"Ah wawna choke th' bitch an' choke th' bitch 'til she cain't tawk down t'me no more," Gomer wept. "She wuz awlways tawkin' down t'me when she didn't git her way, would make me feel bad awll the tahme..."  
"And how does April make you feel, Gome?" Duke now asked.  
Through his tears, Gomer smiled. "April makes me feel good, Duke," he said softly, "she makes me feel so good...makes me feel lahke a man. Lou Ann Poovie never made me feel that way..."  
"Do you want to see April? Do you want her to visit you?"  
Gomer nodded. "Yeah...ah wawnt t'see her, but not while ah'm like this..."  
Vince understood completely, and patted his shoulder. "Don't worry, Gomer, we'll get you better," he said, "but you've gotta help yourself, too. You've gotta WANT to get better...do you?"  
Gomer smiled. "More than ennythang, Sgt. Carter...but am ah gawnna be put in th' stockade fer whut ah did to th' barracks? An' t'you an' Duke?"  
Duke grinned. "No way, Gome...we're not gonna do that to you. We just want you to be well, that's all."  
Gomer's smile deepened. "Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-llllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."  
  
Two months later, Gomer was allowed to return to his platoon. He would talk to Dr. Yellowbear, once a week, and he would have to take Zoloft every day to control his depressive condition.  
When he was back to his old self, seven months after the incident in the barracks, Vince and Duke decided it was time for Gomer to be reunited with April Martin.  
  
Gomer had continued to write to April while he was in the infirmary, so she had known about his depression. But she was still surprised when Vince called her at home.  
"Sgt. Carter, this is unexpected," she admitted when he phoned her. "How's Gomer?"  
"He's a lot better than he was," he said, "but he's really missed you, Ms. Martin..."  
"Please, call me April," she grinned, "I'm not 'Capt. Ironpants' anymore, you know."  
"Okay, April, I'll give...Doc Yellowbear thinks Gomer's depression has a lot to do with the fact that he's still a virgin..."  
April grinned between puffs of her cigarette. "I can believe that. Getting left at the altar can do that to you..."  
"April, the fact that Lou Ann Poovie was a slut has nothing to do with his sexual frustration. The doc says he's been like this for a lot longer..."  
April suddenly realized what he meant. "All right, Sgt. Carter, what's this all about?" she demanded. "And please, don't jerk me around."  
Vince cut to the chase. "I know he's in love with you, April. And that you're in love with him...that is why you left the Marines, isn't it?"  
The truth hurt, but it was cleansing. "You know about the letters?" she finally asked.  
"Yeah, I know. Believe me, I didn't read any of them...I didn't have to. But I know that you make him feel like a man...more of a man than Lou Ann ever made him feel, and this is a guy who's never so much as masturbated in his life."  
"You're not wrong, Sgt. Carter...and you have no idea how much I've desired him all these years...how I've wanted to be with him, just to touch him..."  
Vince smiled. "So, are you comin' to visit?"  
April smiled back on her end. "I've just been given a leave of absence from my company, with pay...after I hang up, I'll be on the first flight to San Diego."  
  
Friday night, Gomer was lying on his bunk, gazing at April's picture. Everyone else had gone into town for their evening's liberty, but he'd been too worn out to go anywhere. He wasn't too tired to go to sleep, but he didn't feel like going out.  
The Zoloft was helping, because he was beginning to forget his anger toward Lou Ann. He didn't even give her a minute's notice anymore...April now occupied his every dream, his every thought, these days, and he loved her every intrusion.   
He was about to let his train of thought overtake him when Vince entered the barracks. "Hey, Pyle," he called out gently, "you've got a visitor."  
"If her name's Lou Ann Poovie, tell her t'go fuck hersayulf---that is, if Monroe Eford cain't git it up no mowuhre!" Gomer joked.  
At that moment, April entered the barracks. "Well, if Lou Ann Poovie were here, you'd have to wait for me to slap her," she joked back.  
The sound of her voice was like music in Gomer's ears...he hadn't heard it in so long, but he hadn't forgotten it. He sat up in his bunk, looking in her direction. "April?" he asked, almost dumbfoundedly.  
April approached him, sporting a spaghetti-strapped tank top with a silkscreen frog in a kimono on the front, faded Levi's, and platform-heeled sandals. The light brunette bouffant had given way to long dreadlocks, the starchy demeanor to unbridled sexuality, from the slight wiggle in her step to the hologram pearl nailpolish that coated her fingernails, right down to her prettily made-up face and the delicious perfume that emanated from her skin.  
Gomer rose from his bunk and walked up to her, holding her by both of her hands to take her all in. "Hey, Gomer, I've got your pass in the duty hut," Vince now said. "Two weeks' leave...and after everything that's happened, have you earned it."  
Gomer paid no attention, except to April...now, overcome by desire, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, his lips burning against hers...his tongue tenderly ravishing her oh, so willing mouth...  
  
END OF PART ONE  
  
Original lyrics from "Mrs. Robinson" by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. Mock-up of lyrics courtesy of your humble storyteller, with apologies to Mr. Simon and Mr. Garfunkel.  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

THE RETURN OF CAPT. IRONPANTS, Conclusion  
by Clarice_Lecter  
  
April and Gomer stopped at the new Starbucks for latte while en route to her rented beach house outside of San Diego, drinking it and holding hands as she drove. "Ah'm sorry if ah'm a little drowsy," he said sheepishly, "ah've been takin this here Zolawft..."  
April smiled. "That's perfectly all right, Gomer," she whispered, "we have two weeks to catch up...there's no need to rush anything."  
Gomer smiled back, his head leaning on her shoulder. If he had still been with Lou Ann, she'd have gotten pissy if he'd become even a hair drowsy, and she'd think he was disinterested in her.  
But not April.  
As he rested beside her, she wrapped her arm around his shoulders, enjoying the feel of his taut muscles underneath the soft cotton shirt. He also smelled nice, the combination of Aussie Herbal shampoo, Cool Water cologne, and his natural musk making a most intoxicating potion. He hadn't drowned himself in cologne, like most guys did...he didn't need to.  
They were at the beach house within an hour. By then Gomer was sound asleep, and she hated to wake him. "Wake up, sweetie," she whispered, lightly kissing his lips once more, "we're here."  
Gomer's eyes blinked open, and he let out a yawn as he stretched. They disembarked from her rented Jeep Cherokee, then he retrieved his toiletry bag and suitcase before going inside.  
"There's only one bedroom," she said, locking the door.  
"Y'ain't hearin' me complain," he replied. Besides his comb, underarm deodorant, shampoo, hair gel and cologne, he had remembered to pack his Zoloft. They had also stopped at a drugstore near the base so he could buy several boxes of condoms. Although April used the Pill, he still didn't want to take any chances.  
April clicked on the overhead light as they went into the bedroom. A nice, large queen-sized bed sat between two nightstands, and was clothed with soft, cream-colored cotton sheets. A bedside lamp was on each nightstand, and there were drawers and a nice-sized closet for their clothes.  
"Which side d'you take, April?" he now asked.  
April's smile deepened. "It doesn't matter to me. Just make yourself at home."  
Gomer took the left side, placing his toiletry bag on the nightstand. He was about to unpack his suitcase and put his things away when a tender hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Why don't you leave it until tomorrow?" she whispered. "Like I said, there's no rush."  
Gomer's hand softly caressed hers. He stood back up, drawing her into his arms for another loving kiss...this was even more passionate than their first one in the barracks, far more sensual and intense as his hands tenderly rubbed her back...then smoothed down to her shapely buns, cupping them and softly squeezing them through the denim. This pulled them even closer together.  
She could feel him now, could feel his maleness rising and responding as their kisses deepened. For a guy who was exhausted, she'd never known a man more ready or willing to relinquish his virginity. She knew he wanted her...he had wanted and desired her from Day One, but until now, they had never had the chance.  
"Ah love you, April," he breathed between kisses, "ah love you, ah love you..."  
"Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh, Gomer," she sighed, feeling her own response, her own passion, "I love you so much..."  
Their growing, boiling desire did not stave off his fatigue, however. So, deciding to wait until morning, they contented themselves with undressing each other and getting into bed...cuddling and kissing as they fell into the most blissful slumber they had ever known.  
  
"So what d'you think's happening right now?" Duke pondered as he, Chuck Boyle, Charley Hacker and Frankie Lombardi waited for Vince and his girlfriend, Bunny Olsen, at Hannah's.  
"Knowing our little Mayberry cherry, he's giving it up," Charley said with a chuckle, "and it's about time, too."  
"I'm not so sure about that," Frankie replied. "Gomer was pretty tired when April Martin picked him up at the barracks...they're probably gonna get some sleep first."  
"Don't be so sure," Chuck now said. "He'll find a way to stay up, if y'know what I mean..."  
"Nah, he has too much respect for her to do that," Duke interjected. "And she has too much respect for him..."  
By now, Bunny and Vince had entered, and were joining them at their table. "Oh, hi, Vince," Charley grinned, "we were just discussing Capt. Ironpants' toy-boy..."  
"Don't call him a toy-boy, Hacker, he's not that much younger than her," Vince interjected. "At least April makes him feel good about himself."  
"Yeah, when you think about it, 'Whore-Ann' made him miserable," Chuck said between sips of Heineken. "I'd STILL like to wring that bitch's neck for what she did to Gomer!"  
"Believe me, Chuck Boyle, you'd have to get in line," Bunny said, lighting up a cigarette as she spoke. "You and half the base..."  
"And don't forget Gomer's friends back in Mayberry," replied Duke. "They all saw what happened..."  
"Yeah, even Goober wanted to stomp the shit outta her," Vince fumed, puffing away at his cigar.  
Hannah Troi brought Vince and Bunny their beers. "Two Red Stripes, right?" she grinned.  
"Hey, thanks, Hannah," Bunny said with a grin. She didn't even bother pouring hers into a glass, sipping straight from the bottle.   
Just then a very drunk Col. Gray tried to make his move on Hannah. "C'mon, babe, how 'bout a kiss for Daddy?" he slurred happily, trying to grab her for a kiss.  
"Hey, isn't that the Colonel?" Chuck asked.  
"Yeah, and he's about to be introduced," Vince said, taking the cue for them to move their table out of the way.  
When Col. Gray tried to pull Hannah in, she grabbed his arm and slung him hard into the far wall. As he slumped to the floor, he pouted. "Hey, no fair!" he whined.  
"What'd I tell ya?" Vince chuckled to Bunny. "They don't call Hannah 'The Dragon Lady' for nothin'!"  
Duke couldn't help laughing. "Yeah, then how come she kissed Gomer five years ago?" he asked.  
Chuck shook his head, giggling. "I'll go call a cab for the Colonel," he chuckled, reaching for Bunny's cell phone when she brought it out.  
Charley and Duke didn't have a buzz yet, so they helped Col. Gray to his feet and to a chair. "It's all right, sir," Charley said, "we're callin' a cab so you can sleep it off."  
"Tha's nice," Col. Gray replied before passing out.  
  
Early the next morning, Gomer awoke to soft kisses, to tenderly caressing hands.  
April was leaving a light, fluttery trail of kisses all along his chest and neck, tickling his sternum with her lips and tongue. Her dreadlocked hair flowed over his six-pack abs and well-defined pecs, his Anthony Kiedis-like build and sweet scent driving her out of her mind.  
He reached up and stroked her silken braids, watching her as she continued. "April," he gasped, not believing the sensations that now began to wash over him. He felt so warm, so loved, his mind and body surrendering to her gentle ministrations, his desire raging more and more...  
He pulled her to him, her lips like precious water as they met with his. She straddled him as she kissed him back, her soft, wet pussy teasing and rubbing against his already overheated manhood, making him harder and hornier...  
She resumed kissing his neck, resumed teasing his erection as she began kissing downward...down over his chest and washboard stomach...down his hips and to his fiery, throbbing lingam. Already going crazy with pleasure, he pleaded, "Whut're you gawna do?"  
She softly, tenderly, took his penis in her hands, lightly stroking the hardening length with her fingertips. "I'll show you," she purred, kissing the pink-purple tip as she stroked.  
Her tongue wound its' way around the sensitive head, causing him to gasp. "Aw, God," he breathed, feeling pleasures he'd never known existed, his entire body responding as it never had before. She then began licking up and down his length, even tickling his nads with soft, wet licks. Then she took him into her mouth.  
"Oh, April, that feels so good," he moaned, his fingers gently entangling in her dreadlocks as she sucked him, his fire beginning to rage out of control. Since this was his first time, she stopped short of sucking him to climax, using the squeeze technique to bring him back to himself. Then she tongue-bathed his torso once more, her hands still on his penis, causing him to once again become erect.  
She straddled him once more, offering her breasts to his eager mouth. He ravished them happily, licking and sucking her hardening nipples raw, kissing them with so much emotion, so much love. "Kin ah touch you?" he now asked between mouthfuls of nipple, his breathing becoming quite heavy.  
April took his left hand and guided it down to her pink, wet pussy. "Gomer, you don't even have to ask," she purred, allowing him to caress her labia and her opening before guiding his fingertips to her clitoris. "Feel that? Feel that little hard button?"  
"Yeah," Gomer sighed, gently pressing her clitoris with his fingertips. This caused her to gasp and moan, caused her to move with him. "Y'lahke thayut?"  
April nodded. "Yes, Gomer, yes," she sobbed, riding his fingers as he rubbed and pressed her clitoris all the more. Then she moved to allow one finger inside her, letting him find her Grafenberg spot. This caused her to howl with delight.  
"That's whure muh cock goes?" he whispered, his voice filled with wonder and hunger.  
"Yes, yes!" she cried, leaning down to kiss him again. He withdrew his fingers from her, holding her very close...their kisses, their touching, only putting off the inevitable just a little longer. Between kisses, she reached toward the nightstand and took one of the condoms. Then, still stroking his penis, she unwrapped the well-lubricated Trojan and put it on him.  
Once the condom was secure, April reached for Gomer and kissed him again, pulling him on top of her as she lay on her back. She parted her leg very wide, welcoming him without saying a word.  
Cradling her in his arms, acting almost instinctively, Gomer softly nudged the tip of his condom-clad penis inside. "Ready, Gomer?" April now asked, her arms wrapping around him, her hands moving under his arms to grip his shoulders.  
Gomer replied by holding her eyes with his. Then he entered her, willingly, and hungrily, relinquishing his virginity to her. He could feel her warmth through the condom, could feel how wet and tight she was...she wasn't a virgin, but she felt so wonderful that Gomer thought his soul was going to leave his body.  
"Mmmmmmmmmhhhhhh, April," he sighed, sensation after wonderful sensation overcoming his being with every thrust, being careful not to hurt her, sliding in and out very slowly.  
April was amazed...he had learned fast, had learned her rhythm sooner than she had expected. And it felt so good, so good...  
  
Vince lay beside Bunny in her bed, watching her sleep and wishing he didn't have to return to the base the next night. "Goddamn, she's so beautiful," he thought to himself, "an' all these years I've let my selfish pride keep us from gettin' married..."  
He held her close, softly nuzzling her earlobe and realizing how lucky he was. "How you've put up with me all these years, Bun," he whispered, "and how I love you for bein' you..."  
Bunny stirred, turning in his embrace. "Vince, are you okay?" she yawned.  
He smiled. "I'm great, Bunny," he now said. "In fact, I've never been happier in my life..."  
He pulled her very close to him, his lips smothering hers in the latest of a series of blistering, impassioned kisses. When they tapered off, Bunny was surprised. And happy.  
"Hey, what's brought this on?" she now asked.  
"I love you, that's what brought this on," he purred. "An' I know this is extremely overdue, but I've been thinking all night...thinking about us..."  
"Vince...?"  
"Bunny, will you marry me?"  
  
As Bunny received Vince's marriage proposal, the beach house near San Diego was rocked by the wails and sobs of April and Gomer, their bodies colliding in blissful, orgasmic release. Gomer tossed back his head, screaming with April as he ejaculated for the first time in his life, as they lost themselves to their rapture. April's fingernails clawed across his back as they came, their joined bodies thrashing about on the bed...  
April screamed his name again and again, screamed her love for him with every orgasmic wave that drowned her soul and her body...Gomer held her tightly to him, the beauty of his first time making love so wondrous that he couldn't stop the bittersweet tears that poured from his eyes, couldn't stop himself from fainting with her...  
They didn't come back to themselves for nearly five minutes, their bodies trembling together, still joined even after his erection left him. Finally, they remembered where they were, April carefully helping him remove the condom and tossing it into the nearby wastebasket before they returned to each other's arms.  
"Oh, mah God," he wept, the blissful reality of his surroundings sinking in, "that was wonderful..."  
April wept with him. "Yes, it was," she sighed, her head resting on his shoulder, her arms wrapped tightly around him. "I'm glad you liked it, Gomer..."  
"Oh, April, ah loved it...so thayut's how a man an' a woman make love?"  
April's smile deepened. "There's many different ways to make love...so many things to try..."  
"Thank we kin do it all in a couple weeks?"  
"Why not the rest of our lives? Oh, Gomer, we have all the time in the world..."  
  
THE END...?  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
